My Testimony: The Beginning to My Journey

My Testimony

Ephesians 6:11-17states: Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

I never really understood how much these verses meant until I found myself facing demons. It started at a very young age (around 7 or 8) when I found a porn magazine in my bathroom hamper. I was curious so I looked through it and put it back in my hamper. I was back and forth in the bathroom frequently to look at the pictures in the magazine. I eventually took the magazine and gave it to my father as if I had just found it. Thus my battle began with lying and seducing demons. I started finding videos of porn and was watching them quite frequently. I would wake up early or wake up late in the night and watch them while everyone was asleep. I found myself exploring my curiosity with my female friends. I would convince them to “try” certain things with me that I had seen (I was feeding the lusting and seducing demons by sinning and giving in to my fleshly desires). Keep in mind I was 8. An 8 year old should know nothing about these things. The innocence that a child should have at that age was non-existent for me. I believe this was around the time that I actually was in my room and saw demons around my bed. An angel who was sitting at the foot of my bed stood up and took out a sword and spread its wings. As I grew older so did the demons (I was continuously feeding them) and the demons started bringing in more demons. I believe between the ages of 10 – 11, I tried to commit suicide by attempting to hang myself. I cannot tell you why I even had the thought or wanted to act on it. I found myself being held down in my sleep and I would call on Yahshua (Jesus at the time because I did not know his name was Yahshua).

When I was 15, I met a young lady at a church event and we started dating. Things were going very well, however that went down the drain when I found out she had gotten pregnant by someone else. The messed up part was that she did not tell me, I happened to meet him at my friend’s house because he was now dating my friend and she was actually the one to tell me. He told me what happened  when I called my girlfriend at the time. It was just a bad day for her and I called it quits, he had left her already and she had already had an abortion trying to cover it up. She told me she was hoping I did not find out and was asking me how I met the guy and everything and I let her know. From that point I really did not care anymore and my porn addiction got worse. I found myself not caring more and more. I started to feel what I call “dark.” The betrayal had a huge effect on me. Although I found myself getting “dark” I still had a desire to be truthful, I had a really hard time trusting women. I did not want another women paying for what my ex did. (What I have come to realize is that I failed to deal with these issues and instead I suppressed what I was going through and I deceived myself into believing that I was “good,” when I really wasn’t). I noticed that in relationships moving forward the truth faded away and the lying demon grew. If I was seeing more than one young lady, I let them know and it was up to them if they wanted to deal with me or not. This “honesty” was just as bad as telling a lie. No matter how you look at it, it was not right. At the end of the day I was messing with a woman’s heart and that is not of the Most High. It was me pleasing my flesh. I found myself wanting to date one of my friends and she told me she would not date me because she knew how I was. I actually convinced her that I would not break her heart and I would be real with her. Although my intentions were good and I meant it at the time, I eventually gave into my flesh. I actually started seeing another girl a few months after I started seeing my friend. I started seeing the new girl based on a promise that I made to her a couple of years before I started seeing my friend. I told her that when she got to high school we could date. I allowed myself to believe I was in the right because I felt that keeping my promise was honorable. This is how easy it is to start deceiving yourself. You find yourself justifying and rationalizing things that you know are wrong. I eventually got fed up lying to both young ladies and told them about each other. Not only did I break both girls hearts what made it even worse was the young ladies were cousins. My lying broke so many hearts. The very thing I said I wasn’t going to do, I did. Each woman paid for what my ex did. I did not trust any woman so I just didn’t care. The truth of the matter was I wanted to be with my ex as crazy as it sounds, I did, looking back it was lust. Lust was the reason why I wanted to go back. The lusting, seducing demon that had entered me when I was younger….she had them too. I realized the relationship with my ex was based on looks. I like the way she looked and I wanted her. The funny thing is when we first met I was interested in her friend and my friend was interested in her. By the end of the night I ended up with my ex and my friend was with my ex’s friend. My ex told me she wanted and she did not care if I was interested in her friend. She told her friend she wanted me and her friend back down.

As a result of the demons controlling my life, I found myself seducing females just to see if I could get them. There was nothing sexual about it. I just wanted a challenge and once I got the woman, I got bored because there was no longer a challenge. I found myself lying to certain people just to lie especially when it came to cheating. I would cover for friends they would cover for me.

Not caring led me to start drinking more; the suicidal demon had made a return. I was 17 and this time I attempted suicide by overdosing on muscle relaxers. The Most High spared me. I was in a deep state of depression. I don’t think anyone could really tell since I kept my issues to myself. I focused more on helping others and not paying attention to what was going on with me. I wanted to fight other people’s demons when I should have been focusing on getting rid of mine. Even though I was helping others I see now I was actually taking their demons into me. I felt the light in me starting to dim more and more. There was one night that my friends and I were going to a party. We did a lot of drinking before the party and then we headed there. I remember at the end of the party when we headed out we decided to have a race. I believe it was about 8 of us. I remember I kept the lead and my friend almost caught up when I looked down I saw I was going 120 MPH. something dropped into my friend’s engine causing his car to slow down. Not too long after that I lost control of my car on a curve and began spinning around. I remember seeing my friends and other cars heading my direction. I can remember thinking this is just like NASCAR; however the next thought was I am about to die what am I going to tell my parents. I felt my car roll backwards even though I was in drive and hit the partition wall. I was facing oncoming traffic. I remember sitting there for a minute taking in what just happened. I hoped out of my car to check how much damage. It looked like the back of my car was banged up and a lot of paint was missing. I got back in my car turned around and headed to the next exit since that was the exit to my house. I called my friend on his phone and told him to meet me at Pathmark (grocery store) that was not too far from the exit. When we met up he told me how the only thing he could think about when he saw me spinning was how was he going to tell my parents that I died? He just couldn’t do it. We wiped my car down with a scratch remover and it looked like nothing happen to my car. I had minor paint damage; you could not even tell that I hit a wall.

Not too long after the accident, I decided that I wanted to be a one woman man. No more lying, no more seducing. I wanted a real relationship. I started seeing a young lady however it did not last long she had her own demons and she caused trust issues. I started dating another young lady same thing she had her own demons and created trust issues. I actually started dating a young lady and things were actually going good. She suddenly ended the relationship she told me I had made her soft because she fell for me. I thought she was joking, however she was very serious. She told me she was not use to a man treating her so well. She was use to guys calling her out her name, cheating on her and having all kind of drama with them. With me she did not have issues like that and it messed her up, she felt like she did not deserve me. That one I really did not understand. I eventually started dating another young lady however she just could not remain faithful. Even when she got caught she still lied to my face and thought by crying it was going to change everything. I was done with her. Just when I was getting better with trusting this took a big chunk out of my progress. I found myself getting into the same type of relationship over and over again. I even got back in touch with women in my past thinking since I had changed maybe I could get it right with them. Seems like the ones I chose were no different than the ex I just dealt with. At the age of 19, just when I felt like giving up and being by myself my friend’s girlfriend introduced me to her best friend. The weird part was not too long after the young lady and I got together, my friend and his girlfriend broke up (probably should have saw this as a sign). I talked to the young lady on the phone for about a month before we saw each other. We entered into a relationship. Not too long after the relationship began her issues started to appear. I felt I could be that man that stood by her side and help her through her issues. After 2 years had gone by we got married. We thought we loved each other enough to get married; however a big part of the reason was because of fear. We were told how we were not living right and we were constantly reminded of 1 Corinthians 7:9 which states: But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. I also believed that marrying her would help deal with her issues. I believed that I had conquered all my issues when I got married. The only real issue I had was watching porn. I found that I was watching porn when I was mad or frustrated. I was upfront and honest with her, no seduction, no other women; I really thought that we were good. Due to her own family issues it weighed down heavy on our marriage. I was accused of things that I actually was not doing. Things seem to get better after my daughter was born, because she came in the 26th week of pregnancy so our focus had shifted. My daughter remained her focus for quite some time, during this time I was in constant prayer and fasting. About 3 years after my daughter’s birth the issues that I thought went away pertaining to my wife’s family came back worse than before. My wife created trust issues by being sneaky and deceitful which led us to be unfaithful. I saw how miserable my daughter was with me and my ex wife together and I did not want her crying anymore. We went our separate ways and divorced shortly after. Issues with trust once again became a factor in my life; in addition to that I now had a child on the way with another woman. The one thing I took from it was if a woman was going to be sneaky and deceitful, then she had no place in my life. I just was not dealing with it anymore. I wasn’t innocent. I stepped out I did not remain true to my vows. Whether she did it first or not does not even matter the fact of the matter is I stepped out. With now facing a failed marriage I started drinking and smoking again. Everything with my son’s mother was more drama then good from the start, she had her own personal and family issues and I saw the path it was heading down and I refused to deal with it again. For my children’s sake I had to do something different. There had to be a better way. With the help from The Most High I conquered and defeated my demons. I had some knowledge of the truth while going through my journey; however my awakening went to a new level in 2013. I am improving daily. With trying to live righteously the enemy is constantly trying to attack me. I always keep in mind that I must remain strong in the Most High. The Most High has been very good and I am very thankful for Yahshua.

Written by Obadiyah (Brother Whitfield)

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